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Wed, Feb. 11th, 2009 06:09 pm
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The Good: I'm working right now. No, really, I am. I am monitoring. I am multitasking. I rule.
The Bad: I'm losing it. The toolman and I had our big blow-out, "why are we still together? Can he ever meet my needs? Can I ever get over this thing with Kim?" fight like 2 weeks ago. I kinda always wondered why he hadn't ended it, because I know some of my issues with Kim bothered him, and he isn't very expressive so I didn't really know how he felt. Anyhow, we decided to stay together despite this issue...but that fight put me on red alert. Not sure why exactly. Just a feeling. Now, we didn't just have this fight and say, "ok, see ya." No, we "made up", shall we say? And he put the moves on me. And The Toolman doesn't EVER do anything physical with someone if he's got any kind of doubts about them...he just doesn't operate that way. He doesn't want to lead someone on. That alone should make me feel that everything is A-ok. We then had a date after that, and it was fine - nice in fact.
He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like anything is different from before, but suddenly, I'm super sensitive. Last night he texted me asking something like, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" and my first thought: getting dumped. I thought maybe he decided he wanted to end it...and he wanted to do it before Vday. I was asleep though when he sent this text, and I woke up at 1am and noticed. When he was asleep. So, like a basketcase, I called him and woke him up and explained that I realized I was acting like a crazy person but was he breaking up with me? He said he was just curious what I was doing or something like that. We joked and talked about nothing special for like an hour.
Then today, he asked me what I was doing tomorrow night. Despite the "false alarm" last night, I had basically the same instant reaction as the night before. Except I thought maybe he was teasing me - asking me again for humor, so I said, "lol. You jerk. No plans :-)". He replied, "sometimes I (referring to himself) think I'm really good at boxing myself in." - Which I think means he didn't realize the connection between that question and the night before...but it could have been referring to a different topic of the convo too...I dunno...
Turns out, he actually wanted to have dinner tomorrow night, versus just curious as to what I was up to. To which I am mildly freaked out. I know that he would only dump me in person, although I don't think he'd do it in public, so I think that once again I am being silly. But that's where the gut keeps going.
He's got a game tonight though, and I'm gonna go watch him...and my guess is he'll be normal towards me because I am being silly and hopefully when he's normal towards me I will relax a bit. I don't like feeling like this. One, I don't want to get dumped. Two, I don't want to be in a constant state of flux wondering if I'm about to get dumped. Three, I don't want to act like a basketcase because I think (whether rightly or wrongly) that I am about to get dumped. Basically, I've gone through the relationship for the most part thinking, "well, he must still like me because he hasn't dumped me yet" since he doesn't tell me much about how he feels. Now, I'm paranoid, and I'm like, "is he going to dump me today?" I don't want to be that person. Its nothing against him, he's not acting strange, he hasn't said anything. But I don't like this.
The Random: I painted my fingernails last night. They're already chipping. This is why I don't paint my nails.   
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Wed, Oct. 22nd, 2008 10:05 am
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The Good: I'm working less this week. I've been working less, and all indications suggest this trend can continue. Woot! Also, I started watching Dexter last night and I am totally hooked. Its everything I always wanted in a show. I'm going to make Mimi's casserole this weekend, I just now decided. What is Mimi's casserole? Only the bestest, fattyest, ooziest, cheeziest potato casserole ever. Its my birthday, I can do that. The Bad: Its cold in my house and I'm getting tired of being cold and I want to turn the heat on but I refuse to turn the heat on out of principle. Its only October damnit! I started paying extra on the heat bill in preparation for the ass-fucking that is about to come vis-a-vis heating costs...but I'm waaay too cheap to start paying for heat right now. Gah. I'm beginning to wonder if this "I'm broke" thing is not temporary...but in fact...the state of my life until Monza sells the house. Its true, when I look at the expenses I've had this month, I *should* be feeling the pinch, but I feel like I'm slipping to what could be unacceptable degrees. Every time I dig myself out of a temporary hole, a new one pops up, and they always seem to be just slightly larger than the previous holes. However, I do still see a brighter horizon and think that while this may not be as temporary as I was hoping, I may also not be quite as broke in the future. The Random: hie  /haɪ/ verb, hied, hie·ing or hy·ing. –verb (used without object) | 1. | to hasten; speed; go in haste. |
–verb (used with object) | 2. | to hasten (oneself): Hie yourself down to this once-in-a-lifetime sale! |
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Fri, Dec. 28th, 2007 11:37 am
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So I usually make New Year's Resolutions, but last year I was all stupid and wrote them on paper and now can't find them so I don't know what all I accomplished and didn't accomplish (I know some of it from memory, but I am sure that there is some yet I am forgetting).
Last year, I asked other people what my resolutions should be and I got bupkis in response. So, I will allow comments on this journal in case you have a great idea for me - and I would love input - but I am also setting my expectations such that I won't receive any.
Also, keep in mind, I always make my list waaay longer than I could accomplish, because I try to work on all areas of my life; and I am happy if I get a few items done, especially if they are in different areas (because I'm all about moderation and well-roundedness).
IN THE YEAR 2000...er...2008...
*Reach my goal weight, AKA a healthy/normal weight
*Reach my goal normal blood pressure, and maintain
*Finish the Bible
*Go to the gym 8 times per month, every month
*Get at least 80 ounces of water in every day
*Face my dental issues (avoidance has been the name of the game for the past year, sadly)
*Take the 5 test-outs for college credit needed to wrap up general degree reqs.
*Enroll in college courses to begin finishing my degree, or if it technically falls in '09, know exactly when I will enroll
*Move
*Some home repair as needed to make my new home "AURAish"
*Join a sports league of some sort (Volleyball probably, maybe softball, etc.)
*Get my work e-mail total items below 10K (cutting by approximately half at this point)
*Clean/organize my work office and remove about 5 years worth of accumulated, unnecessary docs & notes
*Have a book exchange party
*Celebrate my 27th birthday
*Do a better job of keeping in touch with friends/hanging out
*Figure out how to use my MP3 player
*If Monza buys me out of the house, go on an International vacation
*Improve the look of my skin
*Read at least 2 books (not including the Bible) of a 'serious' nature, and at least 3 books of a pulp fiction nature
*Finish all the sudoku puzzles remaining in the books I currently have - even the BEWARE! VERY CHALLENGING!!!
*Create a reasonable budget and stick to it
*Begin the geneology digital picture library
*Fix the geneology database
*Get organized about my valuable papers & items and find a better way to store
NOTE: All subject to modification until the 1st.
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Sun, Nov. 4th, 2007 09:26 pm
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Ok, so, I was all weary and skeptical of my pyramid-scheme/cult diet. And with good reason. I'm not gonna lie -there's definitely some stuff that would make most people a little uneasy - if not for health reasons, certainly for cost ones.
But damnit, it fucking works!!!
So yeah, um lost almost 4 pounds last week...continuing to loose this week so far. I weigh myself on my home scale, nekked, every morning before I eat or drink anything, and so far - I have lost *some* weight 4 out of the last 5 days - the other day I stayed at exactly the same weight as the day before.
My body has never done that before. First, my body is kinda sloooow to lose weight (indeed, my prep, ah, bombed, we shall say) - and second, my body does the fluctuation thing - down a pound today, up 2 tomorrow, down half a pound the next day - and thus I have never taken a given day's reading seriously, but obviously over time, you can tell that I've lost weight...
Anyhow, never had a stready down stream of weight before.
And they force me to eat so much food and water, I am eating or drinking constantly. There is DEFINITELY no hunger on this diet.
In fact - I have a really hard time "sticking" to the diet because I have a hard time fitting it all in the day...
This diet, while flexible in what you can eat, also has some limitations that make it difficult to plan appropriate meals, because one of the aspects of it is low sodium and sugar - and most tasty things have one or both of those ingredients. But over the past week I've started to get experimental with my cooking and I have enjoyed everything I have made so far.
I even got Proverbs to like mushrooms and goat cheese this week.
I have improved on my already awesome egg salad.
I made tasty coleslaw.
I invented a delicious goat cheese melba toast with green onion snack.
I intended to make a stirfry this weekend, but that didn't happen...but in my imagination - it is really good. Its chicken terryaki with veggies that I then place in lettuce wraps. Uh huh.
(how can I do something like terryaki this on low sodium? Well, it happens that Mrs. Dash now makes...3...marinades - basically the only way I can "flavor" something other than herbs, spices, lemon/lime juice or some types of vinegar).
I know that my weight loss will slow down at times and that I will hit plateaus, but for right now, everything's peachy. My main conern is getting tired of eating the same things since there is an emphasis on eating raw veggies - and I only like some veggies raw. Which is fine, except when you're eating 4 servings a day.
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Mon, Oct. 22nd, 2007 10:22 am
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I have decided to sign up for NaNoWriMo 2007 again this year.
I am going to go with the story of the dream I mentioned in an earlier post. Why not?
I expect to get farther than I did last year at least. This may mean fewer posts to LJ in the month of Nov. I'm sure all 4 of you will be heart-broken.
As an added bonus - I can morbidly imagine how to murder people and get away with it - and what murdering someone in cold blood would feel like - and not have to wonder if I am a sicko because I can be like, hey, its...research... for a book.
I've actually wanted to think through it quite a bit here and there over the years, and I purposely push it out of my mind, because I was afraid if I came up with what seemed to be a "foolproof" method, I'd be tempted to find out if it *was* foolproof - and in case I miscalculated, I didn't want to go to jail...so I decided the best course of action would be to just...not...think...about...it.
Well, maybe it will be ok if I think about it but write it out - maybe I won't be tempted to test it out.
I hope to actually finish this year, but last year I did so poorly that I really just hope I do better than last year.
My personal goal: At least 5,000 words. And to sound like an actual book - you know - with like prose description and character development and stuff. At least a little. Rather than "and then she went to A and she thought B and she said C and then she went to D..." which was kinda how my last 'book' (for lack of a better word) felt to me at least.
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Tue, Oct. 16th, 2007 02:52 pm
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So the other night I had this dream that I had a baby and that baby was wanted by a cult and they were trying to steal it and I went to the authorities and they wouldn't listen so I started to hunt down the cult members one by one because I figured the only way we'd be safe is if the cult didn't exist and at one point the cult leaders break into my house and confront me and I say, "I'm gonna burn you down like like I did the others if you don't leave me alone" which I think is just hilarious. Then a couple of Army dudes showed up and I'm like, "these are the people I was telling you about!" and they took them into custody but didn't hold them because they had no proof that they broke in (cause they had taken the liberty of making themselves a key, see?)
Anyhow - I think that should be my nanowrimo book this year. Not because its the best plot in the world or anything - but because the idea is already laid out - with detail - in my mind. I just have to give it shape and form. Much easier than last year's task. And no matter how silly or stupid the idea seems, no matter how poorly executed it becomes, there's something kinda rewarding about turning one of my nightmares into a story, because they usually have more of a real "story" quality to them than most peoples' dreams do. Oh yeah, and the cult had a very innocous front of some sort - nobody even realized that the cult existed...I don't think in the dream their "front" was clear to me, but for the book, I'm thinking of making it Friends of the Minneapolis Public Library. Whadaya tink?
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Fri, Sep. 21st, 2007 01:00 pm
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There I was, minding my own business, having a normal workday lunch with Winky at one of my new favorite places, Cosi, talking about whether or not "unclean" in the Old Testament can be equated with "sin"; did the Old Testament even have a concept of sin, and so on...you know...the usual. Anyhow, there I was, and someone decided to go and steal my purse and in so doing ripped apart the very fabric of space and time itself.
Ok, myabe I exaggerate the effects of said theft slightly.
Its a little thing, but it has had a big impact on my life lately, and I think it will be a lasting impact in some ways. I will have a long, meaningful post about this soonish, I think.
Or maybe I'll just get over it. That would be nice.
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Wed, Sep. 12th, 2007 10:07 am
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I fairly recently took the Myers Briggs test (again) and found out that I was "the mastermind" - I think it was ENTJ? Less than 1% of the population, baby. Anyhow, top recommended carrer, from MB: Operations Management. So now I took another little quiz, and lo and behold:
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Thu, Jul. 12th, 2007 09:45 am
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Recently, many people in my life have made offhand comments that have stung me. Often, these people have no idea that their words hurt.
My reaction has been to take it quietly and not say anything. Reasoning: it was not malicious intent to hurt on their part; they were small comments, sometimes not really about me personally, sometimes intended in a joke, etc.
Generally, my thoughts on the subject more or less are like this: if I tell person X that what they've said hurt me; they might think I am overreacting, and invalidating my feelings of hurt will only make me more upset. They might feel badly about how they unintentionally hurt me, and well, there's nothing to do about it now, the deed is done, so I make it a bigger issue by bringing it to the forefront. Being a very...ah...we'll go with self-reflective...no, no, not nurotic, no...anyhow...being very self-reflective, I figure its always possible that my reaction is overly sensitive and I just need to get a tougher skin.
Afterall, I've heard that all my life. Which is odd, because I'm also generally considered to be overly tough and told how I should soften up in some ways.
Its not that I *fear* conflict; I've never been afraid to speak my mind no matter what boat it might rock and have always taken what consequences that came from it; and indeed, over the years, I've accumulated some fallout from this decision.
But at the same time, I've got that lovely middle-child syndrome thing. Even though I'm not a middle child. You never know how a conflict will escalate, or what could make it escalate. Ever seen something ridiculous like going from, "what don't you like about my sweater?" turn into "Why do you hate me?"...I have, and to cause grief and stress is something I try to avoid. I figure the world is full of people to make it mean and cruel enough on its own, I don't need to contribute to it. The only thing you can predict about people is that they aren't predictable, so when it comes to conflict, I figure...only go to the mat about the things that are really important. Why go down a road of anger or misery (for yourself, or for the other when the grivance is brought to their attention) - if it wasn't really a big deal in the first place?
Although...determining which ones are the "big" ones, that's a sticky wicket right there, but let's gloss over that hurdle for the moment...
Anyhow, so I'm trying to do the whole, "like water off of a duck's back thing" with these comments (which isn't working; as you can tell by the fact that this blog exists they are weighing heavily on me)...and I could handle the first, then the second...but I don't even know what # I'm on anymore and I'm just starting to feel a little overwhelmed and the chinese water torture of comments is getting to me, and as these comments fester inside me, I can add anger to the list...anger at myself for not saying anything when the comments happened.
Because of all the aforementioned talk about the cruelty in the world, I believed that I was doing the right thing...perhaps taking a higher road even...the notion that it might be somewhat hard for myself to bear may simply be the price I have to pay to be the better person. Nobody said doing the right thing was always going to be the easiest thing, or even the thing that makes you feel best about yourself or provides the you with the most happiness. In fact, these things could, at times, be mutually exclusive, I suppose.
But now I am starting to wonder...could it be as simple as me giving into conflict avoidance for the sake of keeping an even keel to a dysfunctional degree? Am I being a pushover? Current Mood:  sad
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Mon, May. 21st, 2007 10:08 am
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Last night was the playoff tourney for our division of my pool league.
Our team, being the worst in our division, got in on a wildcard spot - we basically won a coin toss to get there.
So...last night we won the division. We're totally the underdog. It was very cool.
In some ways I'm personally even more of an underdog, or perhaps rather, a sandbagger. My team called me their "Ace in the Hole" last night. That was cool. Depends on the night I guess. I have the lowest rating a player can have, but I still manage to win quite a few matches. I was ranked I think...like 24th in 9-ball, out of around 50 (we won't talk about my 8-ball ranking, which is not nearly as impressive). Not too bad for a level 1 player if I do say so myself. Last night I played really well, and I think I was a great asset, which is nice, because being such a low-rated player, I feel sometimes like a liability.
I love the attention I get in pool league. There are very very few women in the league that I have seen so far - and I was the only woman to be there every week playing - so when I play well I get an extra kick out of it just from a gender perspective, even though pool is a game where gender really doesn't affect the game too much. I think it all has to do with the fact that I like to do more "guy" things than girl things - I'd rather play poker than go shopping. I also get a kick out of the challenge I present to my opponents. I certainly need to work on all my skills, but I can make some more difficult shots, which is always surprising at my ranking level. Even more than that, I am a great defensive player. Even players who are far and away better players than I am describe me as being tough to play against because I often don't give them good shots. I get such a kick out of that. I want to get a higher rating because I feel inadequate compared to everyone else at my lowly 1 status, but I think in some ways it will be an ego deflater, because what is so fun about it is a 1 is giving, say a 4, a tough time. Not as interesting when a level 2 is giving a level 3 a tough time, for example.
Now we go to the state division. 16 teams play double elimination over 2 days - June 9th and 10th - if we win that, we get to go to Vegas to play in the national event in August.
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Thu, May. 10th, 2007 01:12 am
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I love seeing cameos of actors on L&O that I recognize from other things - just like I love to identify famous actor commercial voice overs. I especially love when they are in different episodes playing different charcters that have no relation to each other.
L&O employs everybody sooner or later.
Julie from Desperate Housewives? A little girl who's father orchestrated a hit on her mother.
Gay guy who is Gabby's friend from Desperate Housewives? Internet police tech when the Internets was new.
The Nazi from Gray's Anatomy? Teenage baby sitter.
[by the way, somewhat recent famous voiceovers I've noticed: Gene Hackman for Lowe's. David Duchovney (sp?) for dog food - Pedigree I think. Alec Baldwin - Blockbuster's netflix rip off...I know of some chicks too, but they escape me for the moment]
I'm getting old. I'm watching an L&O that's so old, a line delivered by Lenny Brisco, I shit you not, is, "This Internet thing. It has to have a return address, right?"
So, I've caught up on a few of my few friends. Some - ahem - laurel714 - are, shall we say, verbose? I started out today on just her posts - beginning where I last left off - Jan 27th - about 2 hours later, Feb 12th ish. I want to comment and answer polls, but at some point, I gotta say I missed the boat. Although, 4 months later, your writing still amuses the heck out of me.
Although, to give you a third grammar annoyance - "irregardless"
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