The Good: I'm working right now.  No, really, I am.  I am monitoring.  I am multitasking.  I rule.

The Bad: I'm losing it.  The toolman and I had our big blow-out, "why are we still together?  Can he ever meet my needs?  Can I ever get over this thing with Kim?" fight like 2 weeks ago.  I kinda always wondered why he hadn't ended it, because I know some of my issues with Kim bothered him, and he isn't very expressive so I didn't really know how he felt.  Anyhow, we decided to stay together despite this issue...but that fight put me on red alert.  Not sure why exactly.  Just a feeling.  Now, we didn't just have this fight and say, "ok, see ya."  No, we "made up", shall we say?  And he put the moves on me.  And The Toolman doesn't EVER do anything physical with someone if he's got any kind of doubts about them...he just doesn't operate that way.  He doesn't want to lead someone on.  That alone should make me feel that everything is A-ok.  We then had a date after that, and it was fine - nice in fact.

He hasn't said or done anything to make me feel like anything is different from before, but suddenly, I'm super sensitive.  Last night he texted me asking something like, "what are you doing tomorrow night?" and my first thought: getting dumped.  I thought maybe he decided he wanted to end it...and he wanted to do it before Vday.  I was asleep though when he sent this text, and I woke up at 1am and noticed.  When he was asleep.  So, like a basketcase, I called him and woke him up and explained that I realized I was acting like a crazy person but was he breaking up with me?  He said he was just curious what I was doing or something like that.  We joked and talked about nothing special for like an hour.

Then today, he asked me what I was doing tomorrow night.  Despite the "false alarm" last night, I had basically the same instant reaction as the night before.  Except I thought maybe he was teasing me - asking me again for humor, so I said, "lol.  You jerk.  No plans :-)".  He replied, "sometimes I (referring to himself) think I'm really good at boxing myself in." - Which I think means he didn't realize the connection between that question and the night before...but it could have been referring to a  different topic of the convo too...I dunno...

Turns out, he actually wanted to have dinner tomorrow night, versus just curious as to what I was up to.  To which I am mildly freaked out.  I know that he would only dump me in person, although I don't think he'd do it in public, so I think that once again I am being silly.  But that's where the gut keeps going.

He's got a game tonight though, and I'm gonna go watch him...and my guess is he'll be normal towards me because I am being silly and hopefully when he's normal towards me I will relax a bit.  I don't like feeling like this.  One, I don't want to get dumped.  Two, I don't want to be in a constant state of flux wondering if I'm about to get dumped.  Three, I don't want to act like a basketcase because I think (whether rightly or wrongly) that I am about to get dumped.  Basically, I've gone through the relationship for the most part thinking, "well, he must still like me because he hasn't dumped me yet" since he doesn't tell me much about how he feels.  Now, I'm paranoid, and I'm like, "is he going to dump me today?"  I don't want to be that person.  Its nothing against him, he's not acting strange, he hasn't said anything.  But I don't like this.

The Random: I painted my fingernails last night.  They're already chipping.  This is why I don't paint my nails.

Last year I was all deep and reflective and introspective and stuff.  I recall saying at the end something to the effect of "whatever way I go, one thing is for sure: this year is going to be different".

And I think it has been.

But Its been different long enough now that I am kinda used to different and different feels normal.  But that's life.  So it goes.

Anyhow, that's as close as you get to wisdom and knowledge from me today.  Just don't really feel like it.  So instead, learn something about October 25th and consider yourself edgeyoumakated.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/October_25

So the other night I had this dream that I had a baby and that baby was wanted by a cult and they were trying to steal it and I went to the authorities and they wouldn't listen so I started to hunt down the cult members one by one because I figured the only way we'd be safe is if the cult didn't exist and at one point the cult leaders break into my house and confront me and I say, "I'm gonna burn you down like like I did the others if you don't leave me alone" which I think is just hilarious.  Then a couple of Army dudes showed up and I'm like, "these are the people I was telling you about!" and they took them into custody but didn't hold them because they had no proof that they broke in (cause they had taken the liberty of making themselves a key, see?)

Anyhow - I think that should be my nanowrimo book this year.  Not because its the best plot in the world or anything - but because the idea is already laid out - with detail - in my mind.  I just have to give it shape and form.  Much easier than last year's task.  And no matter how silly or stupid the idea seems, no matter how poorly executed it becomes, there's something kinda rewarding about turning one of my nightmares into a story, because they usually have more of a real "story" quality to them than most peoples' dreams do.

There I was, minding my own business, having a normal workday lunch with Winky at one of my new favorite places, Cosi, talking about whether or not "unclean" in the Old Testament can be equated with "sin"; did the Old Testament even have a concept of sin, and so on...you know...the usual.  Anyhow, there I was, and someone decided to go and steal my purse and in so doing ripped apart the very fabric of space and time itself.

Ok, myabe I exaggerate the effects of said theft slightly.

Its a little thing, but it has had a big impact on my life lately, and I think it will be a lasting impact in some ways.  I will have a long, meaningful post about this soonish, I think.

Or maybe I'll just get over it.  That would be nice.